Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
