I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
