i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
