bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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