All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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