bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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