I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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