Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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