just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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