Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
