I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
