he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
false alarm, still single
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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