I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
