so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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