Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
