between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Even my vagina gasped.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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