And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
