did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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