I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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