ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
