So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
