I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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