is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
