Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
love makes seman taste better
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
