The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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