All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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