the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
