Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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