i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
