So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
