I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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