There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize