In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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