Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
