Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Even my vagina gasped.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
