I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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