we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
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Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.