after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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