Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
