Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
