Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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