Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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