I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
