just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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