The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
