Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
