Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
