Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
