I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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