My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
