I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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